A concierto of explosives in the office space

As previously promised, here are some delightful flatulence stories to entertain you. G*d, I sure love a good fart story...

EXPLOSIVES
One time in high school, I was practicing my shot put throw. A cute guy was also practicing with me. My stomach had not been feeling well that day as is usually the case with fart stories. For those of you not familiar with the shot put. It is an event in track and field where you throw this 8lb ball as far as you can. In order to do that, you need to put all your energy into your body as you turn yourself and throw the stupid thing in one explosive motion while making sure that you don't drop it on your foot. Anyway, I was getting ready to throw the ball. I hunched over and reached into the deepest recess of my being to muster all the strength that I could find in order to launch that thing. As I exploded out to throw the ball, there was another explosion that took place instead. The sound freaked me out and caught me so off guard that I dropped the ball and tripped over the metal ring on the floor (designed to keep you in bounds etc). As embarrassed as I was, I was hoping that the guy would just ignore what had happened and just move on, but nooooooo, that was not the case. After I picked myself up off the floor, the following exchange ensued:

Guy: What was that noise?
Me: I don't know, I didn't hear anything.
Guy: No, I heard something when you were throwing the shot put.
Me: Really? I guess I must have ripped my pants or something.
Guy: No your pants are fine.
Me: Maybe I hit the metal ring before I fell down.
Guy (starts hitting metal ring with his shoe): Nope, that wasn't the noise I heard.
Me: Maybe I just stepped on a ROCK THEN!
Guy: Yeah, I guess.

I should've just said: "Dude let it go! I farted ok? Is that what you want to hear?"


CONCIERTO
One time I was at the movies with a couple of friends. We had gone to watch the Pirates of the Carribean. We were about to go to the theatre when my friend, let's call her "A", decided that she needed to go to the bathroom first. We all waited outside. A couple of seconds later, I too decided to go to the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to go during the movie. I walked into the bathroom, and wondered where my friend was. I didn't want to shout out her name in the crowded bathroom, so I just picked any stall and got down to business. I had been feeling especially gassy that day so I went to town in there. I mean, if not in the bathroom then where else can you really let it all out? Anyway, I finished my concierto and proceeded to wash my hands and leave the bathroom. I hadn't seen my friend while I was in there, so I wondered what had happened to her when I walked back outside and saw that she wasn't with our friends yet. They asked me if I had seen her and I said, no, I didn't see her in there. We were just about to go back in and look for her when she suddenly appeared from the bathroom. Her face was rumpled and she seemed very upset.

Us: Hey, what happened to you? We thought you fell in the toilet, we were about to go rescue you.
A: Ugh! I was trying to go #2, but I can't go when I have distractions and loud people.
Us: Why? What happened?
A: This loud woman came into the stall next to mine and started farting up a storm!
I thought she was dying in there with all the ruckus she had going on! It totally broke my concentration! She was farting so loudly!

At this point you can imagine that I am doubled over with laughter. I was cracking up so hard that immediately my friend realized that I was the concierto culprit. To this day, I still crack up when I think of that.


OFFICE SPACE
One time I was in my small, closed and confined office and I let an especially stinky one out (you know, silent but deadly). Since I was the only one there, I figured that it was ok. As soon as I caught a whiff of the offensive odor, I decided that I needed to take more decisive action and head to the bathroom. Besides, I didn't want to be anywhere near the premises in case the smell should spread to the rest of the office. Just as I got up to leave, someone came right into my office to discuss something. I wanted to die. I tried to keep on walking so that she would follow me out of the office, but alas, it was no use. There we both stood in my office enjoying the fresh scent that I had just delivered. We both knew what had happened, but no one said anything. At least she didn't do what the shotput guy did: "What's that smell?".

Do you have any funny flatulence tales to tell? Come on...don't be shy.

Wow

I've had this post written for some time, but it hasn't been until now that I've actually had the chance and inclination to post it. Since I don't have a reflective picture for Photo Friday, I figured that I would share this reflective moment.

I had a "wow" moment a month ago. Actually, I have those often now that I'm addicted to my space.

For example:

wow, he got ugly
wow, she has five kids
wow, he's bald
wow, she lost a lot of weight!
wow, he gained a lot of weight!
wow, he's making a lot of money
wow, she really turned her life around

You get my drift right? It's a mixture of good wows and bad wows. Well, this particular wow really threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting to find this wow, I wasn't looking for this wow (contrary to popular belief), but there it was...wow. This wow instantly threw me back about 12 years and made me remember how stupid and immature I was (yes WAS). Then I got to thinking about what a nut I was (yes, WAS..shut up) especially when it came to the opposite sex.

When I was a lot younger, I would become totally infatuated with someone and good luck trying to convince me otherwise. Not only that, but one would think that I actually knew these people that I was obsessed with. Nope, I didn't bother with that...what a hassle, actually getting to know the person? Noooo I couldn't do that. I would just pick a pretty face out of the crowd, or the guy that seemed dark and mysterious, or the one that had a cool vibe about him, or the one that was really funny...forget about actually getting to know him...just not important. Wait, there's more, once my vict..err, my chosen person had made it evident that the feeling was not mutual, one would think that I would move on and find another vict...lucky person to take his place, but no. Knowing it wasn't mutual seemed to add fuel to the fire instead of quelling it. Odd. Don't ask me why I did this because I don't know. So yeah, this wow moment spurned on this whole introspective reflection about the things I used to do then and why? and it made me thankful that I hadn't continued that crazy trend. It made me think, wow, you've come a long way baby.

I like to think that I'm light years away from that, from the crazy teenager I used to be. I'm glad that I came out of my shell and actually got to know a guy before I decided that I was in love with him. I'm glad that I had enough self respect to not throw myself all over him. I'm glad that I learned to take a hint when the feelings weren't mutual. I'm also glad that I had those experiences because they made me more compassionate for when the shoe was on the other foot. When a guy liked me and I didn't feel the same way, I tried to be careful of not hurting his feelings. I always thought back on how I had felt, how I would have liked to have been treated.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that this wow was ever mean to me or anything. No, he was very cordial with me considering all the crazy shit I did. Even though he never liked me back, he never put me down or made me feel like less of a person (to my face anyway). It's actually funny because I put so much energy into liking someone that I didn't even know! I read his profile recently and realized that he's not even the type of person I would've gone out with. Other than liking the same music, we don't have anything else in common. Hm...funny, I should'a figured that one out a long time ago.

I sent him a message just to say hi. I really hope that he doesn't take that as me still being "after" him cause really now, it's been 12 years. It was more of a "hey, I'm sorry I was such a wacko" note. Perhaps he'll even find his way over to my blog and read this for himself and see that I never really meant any harm and that I'm not really crazy afterall (ok, maybe just a little).

Nanny nanny boo boo

My hubster took this week off to stay home with the child and tie up some loose ends with the house sale. Oh, I don't believe I had mentioned that before. He's the partial owner of the house that his parents live in and the house has been put up for sale because his father is moving back to Ecuador. His mother doesn't want to go though, so my husband will have to rent an apt for her and have his brothers chip in to pay the rent and expenses and all that jazz. So anyway, a contract has been signed, so the sale is on the way, but stupid little issues have come up and my hubster took the week off to deal with them.

ANYWAY, the point of all that rambling was that the week is almost over and I don't see any nanny's knocking on our door. He said he didn't want to take C back to daycare, but I don't see him being very proactive about making other arrangements. Unfortunately, I already called said daycare and said that C would not be returning, so Ren better start getting proactive and quickly. Time's a ticking here. Because I can foretell the future, I will now predict what will happen next week. R will say that since C can't go back to daycare and since we have no nanny lined up, that he will take C to his parents house and they can watch him.

Sounds like a great solution huh? Well, not exactly, his parents are in their mid to late 70's, so definitely not the ideal candidates to be taking care of a fussy 7 month old if you ask me. I have specifically voiced this concern to my hubs, but apparently, either A) he doesn't agree with me or B) he doesn't agree with me. My mom just got back from vacation in El Salvador, so she's really busy with catching up on her work, so I don't think we should be imposing on her to take care of C. She wasn't the one that decided to pull C-Man out of daycare, so why should she be the one to pick up the slack? Since she also agrees with me that C should not stay with R's parents, she will probably feel compelled to watch Christian; which I have a feeling has been R's master plan all along.

Since I noticed that R's not doing anything about the nanny situation, I've been asking around at work to see if anyone knows of a nanny, but so far no leads have popped up. R plans on looking in the classifieds, but I feel a little weird about that. I'd rather get someone that knows someone. I know that whichever route we take, we will still have to interview and check references etc, but I don't know, the whole classifieds thing seems so "strangerish". I love how he's the one that decided to get a nanny, but I'm the one doing all the work. How annoying.

Ok rant complete. On to another topic: Photo Friday. This week's theme will be: reflections - could be literal reflections in mirrors or puddles or ponds or metaphoric - a photo that reflects on something. I haven't really been participating lately, I will try to get on the ball and come up with something.

A night with TKA, Stevie B. and the Cover Girls

Last night I got to go out and release some pent up energy. My hubster watched C while I went to Superwheels with my buddy Amanda. Monday nights are old school throw back nights, so we got to roller skate to our favorite freestyle tunes (just like in the old days). It's for ages 17+, so it gives us old folks a chance to skate without being afraid of getting knocked over by children whizzing by.


I dusted off my four-wheelers and laced them up.
At first, I looked like a high-wire walker with buttered shoes. My hands were flailing about all over the place, but by the end of the session, I had
found my skating legs and even attempted the cross-over (this is where you put one foot in front of the other as you're rounding the turn, like they do in ice skating).



It was awesome except that my foot now has a blister the size of a quarter on it. I also realized how out of shape I am as I found myself huffing and puffing after only 3 songs! I had a great time and I highly recommend it if you're an old foggie like me that likes that sort of music. I'll definitely be going back, well, as soon as my blisters heal that is.

I can see clearly now

I've been so absorbed with C's whole sickness that I haven't even had a chance to post any updates here (short of the one informing you of the projectile nature of his illness). I've been mentally and physically drained lately. I've got many things to share and update, so let me get started.

I think the little man is finally coming out of the sickies. His nose no longer resembles Niagara and his appetite is returning slowly but surely. He's looking better, but he is still fussy. He's sleeping with me in the twin bed again and he wakes up every two or three hours (I thought those days were over). I don't know if this has anything to do with his illness, but lately, whenever I lay him on the changing table to change his diaper, he screams like there's no tomorrow. I've inspected his parts (peepee, check, scrotum, check, no rash, check) and there doesn't appear to be anything wrong. I don't think he has a pain in the butt, I think he's just being one. I don't know why he screams during 90% of his diaper changes. Sometimes when he sees Ren, or a new toy, he magically stops crying, so who knows. My mom says I used to do that too, hm...payback i guess.

Christian was out of daycare all week last week. R and I took turns taking care of him. He would watch him in the morning and I would leave work early and watch him the rest of the day (my mom has been on vacation). Because C was so nasty sick and Ren and I are such novices, this ear infection thing really threw Ren for a loop. He has decided (yes, he) that he doesn't want to send C back to daycare, ever (or at least until he's older). I don't know what he thinks we're going to do instead (can we say expensive nanny?), but he refuses to take him back. He says he can't deal with this sickness deal happening every month. In a way he's right, the child has been on constant snot patrol since he started daycare. But I still think he should stay there, either way, he's going to get sick when he starts school, so better sooner than later I say.

Before, during, after and inspite of the sickies, C-man has been pretty busy this month. He played with duckies and with doggies, went to his cousin's birthday party, celebrated Easter, hung out with his peeps and played in his crib (which I affectionaly like to call world-o-toys...who say's he's spoiled?).

Now I know why...

...it's called Projectile Vomiting.

Aren't you glad it's not Photo Wednesdays?

Thanks a lot Easter Bunny...

The Easter Bunny came by our house on Sunday and had some goodies in his basket for Christian. Hmmm...Let's see...He got a chocolate bunny, a runny nose, some plastic eggs, diarrhea, fake Easter grass, a cough, a caramel egg and a big whopping ear infection.

My poor baby spent his first Easter sick in bed. We had planned to go on an Easter egg hunt, but that didn't happen. We just stayed home in bed. I took some pictures of him in his Easter outfit (will post them later), but he doesn't look too happy in them. Overall, it was a miserable weekend. I hope yours was better.

R took Christian to the pediatrician this morning. I told him to tell the doc to check his right ear because I had noticed that he had been touching his ear and the side of his head lately. Wouldn't you know it, I actually knew what I was talking about because she said that he has an ear infection. She gave him antibiotics. My poor baby. Ever since he started daycare, he's been sick. Does it ever end?

Needs

Before I forget, tomorrow's photo Friday theme is shadows.

Ok. This little game was going around in My Space and I found it quite amusing, so I will share it with you. You're supposed to Google your name followed by the word "needs" and write down what the results are. It's good for a chuckle or two. Well, for me anyway since I am so easily amused.


Claudia needs...

ideas for senators t-shirts (perhaps I should go into politics)

work (to work, is more like it)

medication (aint that the truth)

to take vitamin B (ok Tom)

different evidence (you know cause the one I have isn't good enough)

the minutes from Ruby (come on Ruby, get with the program)

to understand the whole process of solving the Math problems (and I thought I had conquered math)

a lesson (that'll teach her)

more hugs (hug me! hug me!)

to know, to see (how philosophical)

to embody the same sophisticated flair that she can bestow upon a room (cause I'm just sassy like that).



Renato needs...

medical attention (poor baby)

to eat after the seizures (wow, Ren really does need medical attention)

un bel colpo di culo (that sounds dirty)

some help (perhaps some of the medication I'm taking?)

to come here too (cause he comes all over the place)

some help (yes, I heard you the first time)

to be sung with drive (Rrrreeeeeeeennnnnnnnaaaaaaaaattttttooooooooo)



Hee hee. That was fun! Ren's were funnier than mine. I did it for Christian too, but since his name is religious, it just kept saying the same thing over and over that he had to know and grow and pray and it doesn't make for good chuckles.


What do you need?

Jekyll and Hyde

I have not abandoned you. I've just been really busy at work and home. All has not been well in Claudia-ville lately. The C-Man has been sicky-poo. After his first week of daycare, he got hit with every sickness known to babies; I should have seen that coming.

He's had a runny nose for over a week so he cries when he can't breathe.
He's fussy so he cries when he doesn't get his way.
He doesn't want to eat his food so he cries when I try to feed him.
He screams bloody murder when I change his diaper.
He fights going to sleep so he cries when I put him in his crib.
His throat is hoarse (hm, I wonder why).
He's drowning in drool.
He's drowning in runny poop.

Oh yeah, he's a real pleasure to have around at home these days.

At daycare though, it's a whole 'nother story. Ms. Mary tells me that he is a doll, and so well behaved and he eats all his food and goes to sleep on his own. I sometimes wonder if she's talking to me about the correct baby. I feel like saying "No, I'm Christian's mom, surely you're not talking about my child" to which she would reply "yes I am talking about your child, but my name's not Shirley".

Oh well at least I know he likes daycare because he never seems fazed when we drop him off or pick him up. I was expecting to have a crying child that didn't want to stay at daycare and what I got was a baby that adjusted beautifully to daycare. When I pick him up, I'm expecting a "Yay! It's mommy!" reaction, but what I really get is a "oh hi, it's you" look. Great. No one prepared me for that.

The eyes have it

Today's Photo Friday theme is your favorite body part...or um my favorite body part.









I like my eyes because they are different colors. One of them is green and the other is half green, half brown, split right down the middle. Unfortunately, I don't think you can see that in the picture, but I couldn't find one where it is evident, so you'll have to use your imagination.

Yeah, well, this one was a no-brainer for me since my eyes are the only part of me that I'm not hating these days. Why do you ask? Well, because your eyes don't get fat (well, mine don't anyway). Unfortunately they do get wrinkles though, but don't get me started on that because I was standing way too close to the mirror last night and noticed some creases that weren't there before and...

Anyway, my eyes are the body part that I am hating the least at this moment. I'm really not following the spirit of today's topic because I was supposed to renounce any body hating I was doing. I was supposed to post my favorite body part and write a love letter to it. Ha. If I didn't love my body before, I surely don't love it now, my new post-partum shell of a body is just not cutting it. Ugh. That's it, I'm calling my plastic surgeon.

Purple Magician's Briefcase of Tricks

I am in love with Airtoons. They are illustrations taken from airplane safety instruction cards, but with different captions.

Hilarious!

Don't click on the link if you're drinking anything, unless you want to clear your nose or spray your monitor.

Here's are a few (ok, a lot) of my favorites from that site:

Daddy's Little Girl

Here's a picture of me with my dad.

I think I was about 1 year old.

Happy Birthday Papi!

Love,
Claudia